Food and Sex

I am not one to mix the pleasure of food and the acts of sex together even though they, neurologically, affect a person the same. Serotonin is the one linking factor between the two pleasures. So, what if you took away part of the equation... like food? Would those with eating disorders also have a sexual disorder?

I started becoming overly-obsessed with my weight when I hit grade 10 (15 years old). At 16, I stopped getting my period. At 17, I didn't, or rather couldn't, feel aroused. It gradually happened just like Ana. I'm not sure if it was because I wasn't eating and therefore stopping a natural process or perhaps the food that I was not taking in was the fuel I needed to run my body. Whatever it was, it got me thinking... do they run hand in hand? As frivolous of an issue as this may seem, I constantly wonder about it. A period of time with no sex drive had long-term repercussions that did not occur to me at the age of 17.

I am just only starting to get a sense of a sex drive. I guess it would be much like a child learning what those "tingly feelings" were. In this sense, I am a child. I don't know how to manage myself or the ramifications of boundaries. I don't know how to keep a secret, or what should be kept secret. Everyone knows that I do not engage in sexual activity because I don't want to. There is no Godly reasoning. In a way, people have judged me much harsher. Sex, to me, is no longer pleasurable much like consuming food. I remember my aunt saying that I look like I'm being forced to eat when it comes to mealtime and in all honesty, I am.

I wonder, will I ever enjoy eating food? Will I ever enjoy sex again? Are they linked? I hope not. I would love to feel the confines of love without the limitless boundaries of eating.

Attraction or obsession?

I met my friend the other day. The peculiar thing with this friend is that his body is incredibly beautiful. When I touched him, I felt his bones and when I stopped touching him, I felt a longing to touch him again. Actually, the only peculiar thing with this whole situation is that I hardly find anyone attractive. For a total of two years, I lost my sex drive. The first year was due to anorexia. No sex drive, no period. The second time (year) around was due to unforeseen traumatic circumstances. Not only was this an incredibly terrifying experience, but it could have been generally avoided.

Back to the boy: bones jutting, defined hip bones, thin leg and arm structure... absolutely beautiful. The whole night, I "made fun" of his body only to part myself from the incredible attraction I had to him. I refused to let myself see his collar bones or I would have gone crazy. You see... the collar bones are the most attractive feature on a person. Since then (5 days ago), I haven't been able to alleviate him from my mind.

Could this have been an attraction evolved into an obsession? Or an obsession with anorexia/thinness to begin with? It seems although I am not physically anorexic, I am mentally, so I guess the bigger question is:

will I ever stop being mentally anorexic?