Guilt

I can't even begin to describe the guilt I have after eating. It's really more than unpleasing, discomforting, unsettling. I ate one perogy, one celery (with some homemade dressing - fat free everything) and one slice of bread with tzikiki sauce (low in fat kind). Oh yes, and a creamsicle because it is also lower in calories. I hope my boyfriend doesn't have dinner with me or forgets again, but I think I've eaten all that I want. Who knows.. maybe after swimming I'll be hungrier.

After I ate those things, I was distraught over the fact that I didn't really NEED to eat them, but it was more of a want. I don't like that feeling. I want to be needed... and probably need to be wanted. I guess that's why I can't quite get out of this vicious cycle. I feel like crying now. I don't know what to do. I also had a few shreds of cheese. Now, my tummy hurts and I feel like shit. I really didn't have to eat those things. I could have left them, but alas, I'm not so smart.

Starting slowly...

There is just one thing I want to make clear. I am not starving myself. I am just not eating when I'm not hungry. In truth, I'm not hungry a lot but I've had to forcefeed myself for many a times now since grade 12. I am merely stopping with that. I am not Anorexic unless you're counting the state of mind. Physically, I will not falter and fall like the delicate and skinny. I am starting out strong and am merely omitting the extras that I think I should take in. No more of that. I'll eat when I am hungry or so choose.

Our bodies are spoiled in America because of all the junk we fill ourselves with and in turn, it's turned into a pleasure demon consuming our very health. And it is because of these processed foods and of these hormonal meats that America is either starving itself or is terribly obese. Our bodies are spoiled from the excess sugar and carbs and chemicals that we choose to intake because it raises our serotonin levels and gives us a high. What is the trade off? Spoiling it turning our bodies into brats and garbage.

I may be shallow because I don't want to be fat, but I am at least aware of what is going on. I am at least aware that I am shallow and that I cannot help it. Do you dare tell me that you aren't at all? That you haven't discriminated someone for how they dressed or smelled or the style (or lack thereof) the so oft chose? Do you dare tell me that you have not automatically formed terrible opinions of people based on shallow references? I don't like that I am this way and I don't enjoy this battle with never being good enough. I don't like that eating makes me fat and therefore, I'll cut it down to a minimal. I wish I could not care and just eat. I wish I could take a donut or ice cream or some pasta at a restaurant without thinking about it that evening, night and morning after. I wish eating made me feel good. But can you blame me that I want to look the best for my boyfriend? Or how about for myself? Is it my fault that I want to be happy with my own body and therefore, I must take drastic measures to make those ends meet? Because I am so sick and tired of being jealous. And I'm so sick and tired of being the one that has to cry in secret all for the shallow issue of body image. And I'm so sick and tired of struggling and battling with my own downfall. I'm sorry that I've given in. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder. I'm sorry that I'm not stronger.

A Fresh Start.

Current: 125lbs

Goal: 100lbs

Documentation: Food Diary

Help: Hope so.

How do you get rid of the longing to be thin? I'll go exercise and run in the gym. I'll go swimming. I'll walk everywhere. I will consume my energy without consuming the food that runs it and yes, I will be tired and I will cry and I will be in so much pain. But does the pain exceed what I feel now? All that depression because I'm not thin enough. Or I'm not pretty enough because Im fat. Or that I want to be like the girls that love their bodies to the point of extreme arrogance. Do I want to continue to hide from people that I'm tired of myself? How can I be pretty and more importantly, how can I be pretty enough so that you see me and not past me? It isn't enough that you have your meals with me and you sleep with me. Im sorry because I dont mean to be inadequate to both you and myself. I dont mean to cry when you're not looking and I dont mean to hurt when you tell me of all the hot girls in your school. Im sorry that I feel that way. I dont want you to change at all... it's only natural. I want to change. I want to be pretty enough for you and skinny enough for you, but I dont know how, except this way. This is the only way.

Hi, my name is Heathyr Nasence. When I was in grade eight, I had an eating disorder... anorexia nervosa. It carried through until I was in grade twelve. My period stopped and my very core was wounded, shredded and unfixable. So, I find myself here, five years later starting what I thought had ended. I promised never to go back to Ana, but I want to be thin so badly. I dont want to be the girl that my boyfriend, especially my boyfriend, looks past. I dont want to be the inadequate fool smiling when she's hurt and more importantly, I want to be happy, and this is the only way I know how.

Im bigger than most people in my culture. I know size is not cultural but geographically speaking, what you eat affects your outward outcome and if it weren't for Asians eating fish and walking around all the time, then I'd fit in. But alas, my frame is larger than most Asians and even when Im thin, Im a medium (Asian size) at best. No matter how thin I am, I will always be bigger and it tears me up.

Here is my plan: I see my boyfriend almost everyday. I will not eat unless I eat with him. I will drink liquids to sustain me through my classes and my walks. One thing I'll change is I wont frantically eat something when someone comments on the thinness... no more hiding. I will buy a weight scale and whether or not I am going to be obsessed with it... well, I dont know. I will be cold a lot and light headed. I will not tell people. No more "oh, Im nauseous" again. No more "I want to puke" or "I feel sick". People dont like it. People dont need to hear it, especially your boyfriend.

Dont mention anything about weight again. People dont need to hear it. This blog is your vent. This blog will hear it all. This blog is yours. Dont spill your secret to other people.