A Fresh Start.

Current: 125lbs

Goal: 100lbs

Documentation: Food Diary

Help: Hope so.

How do you get rid of the longing to be thin? I'll go exercise and run in the gym. I'll go swimming. I'll walk everywhere. I will consume my energy without consuming the food that runs it and yes, I will be tired and I will cry and I will be in so much pain. But does the pain exceed what I feel now? All that depression because I'm not thin enough. Or I'm not pretty enough because Im fat. Or that I want to be like the girls that love their bodies to the point of extreme arrogance. Do I want to continue to hide from people that I'm tired of myself? How can I be pretty and more importantly, how can I be pretty enough so that you see me and not past me? It isn't enough that you have your meals with me and you sleep with me. Im sorry because I dont mean to be inadequate to both you and myself. I dont mean to cry when you're not looking and I dont mean to hurt when you tell me of all the hot girls in your school. Im sorry that I feel that way. I dont want you to change at all... it's only natural. I want to change. I want to be pretty enough for you and skinny enough for you, but I dont know how, except this way. This is the only way.

Hi, my name is Heathyr Nasence. When I was in grade eight, I had an eating disorder... anorexia nervosa. It carried through until I was in grade twelve. My period stopped and my very core was wounded, shredded and unfixable. So, I find myself here, five years later starting what I thought had ended. I promised never to go back to Ana, but I want to be thin so badly. I dont want to be the girl that my boyfriend, especially my boyfriend, looks past. I dont want to be the inadequate fool smiling when she's hurt and more importantly, I want to be happy, and this is the only way I know how.

Im bigger than most people in my culture. I know size is not cultural but geographically speaking, what you eat affects your outward outcome and if it weren't for Asians eating fish and walking around all the time, then I'd fit in. But alas, my frame is larger than most Asians and even when Im thin, Im a medium (Asian size) at best. No matter how thin I am, I will always be bigger and it tears me up.

Here is my plan: I see my boyfriend almost everyday. I will not eat unless I eat with him. I will drink liquids to sustain me through my classes and my walks. One thing I'll change is I wont frantically eat something when someone comments on the thinness... no more hiding. I will buy a weight scale and whether or not I am going to be obsessed with it... well, I dont know. I will be cold a lot and light headed. I will not tell people. No more "oh, Im nauseous" again. No more "I want to puke" or "I feel sick". People dont like it. People dont need to hear it, especially your boyfriend.

Dont mention anything about weight again. People dont need to hear it. This blog is your vent. This blog will hear it all. This blog is yours. Dont spill your secret to other people.